The Shadow Effect
by Bonzai-Bunny
Summary: Sometimes . . . Kyouya wonders if he will ever step out of the shadows.


Warning: Very _slight_ sexual implications. Slight language. Angst. One-sided KyouyaxKaoru

Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran.

Authoress Note: So yeah. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I kind of like it. I don't know; I'm picky. I think that its better than "Bond of Solitude," but its worse than, "Stormy Grey Eyes." Tell me what you think.

--o0o--

There were certain times when Kyouya found the nickname, "the shadow king" to be quite ironic, because he _was _in the shadows. He was always in the shadows, watching, waiting, and observing.  
Who did he observe the most? Hitachiin Kaoru.

Kyouya didn't really know what caused his attention to shift from the other hosts to the softer-spoken Hitachiin.  
Maybe it was the way his eyes softened whenever he looked at his brother. Maybe it was the way he graciously gave up his own love of Haruhi so his brother could be happy. Maybe it was because Kaoru wasn't rash or rude at all like his brother and actually the quite accomplished individual.

Or maybe it was because Kaoru hid in the darkness almost as much as the shadow king himself.  
You could say that the shadows Kyouya hid in were metaphorical to the light he would and could never reach. The shadows were made of jealousy, failure, and uncertainty and were whispering constantly in his ear.  
That was probably the true reason he was drawn to Kaoru. The boy was light, but was shrouded in his own shadows that probably constantly plagued him. He was bitter sweet and not as innocent as he led everyone to believe. He carried a burden that was almost as heavy as the one Kyouya did.

Kaoru also hid his emotions, almost as much as Kyouya, for the sake of his brother. Hikaru could read him too easily, and if the older twin found out how devastated Kaoru was, he would never forgive him for letting go of Haruhi. Because when Kaoru let Haruhi go, he let his brother go as well.

Kyouya knew he could never fully sympathize with Kaoru losing his twin, but if felt anything like the stab Kyouya's heart took every time he saw that longing look in Kaoru's golden eyes, Kyouya was pretty damn sympathetic.

Kyouya also admired the boy in a way. Aside from that little chip on his shoulder, almost nothing got the Kaoru down. Kyouya had long given up on even trying to give the day a positive outlook, because he learned a long time ago, that that gave too many disappointments.  
Yet, everyday Kaoru came in with a beautiful smile on his face like nothing was wrong. Or perhaps it was just the twin acting, hiding his true self behind the twin façade and his adorable laugh.

Kyouya couldn't tell sometimes, because, just like his brother, Kaoru was a brilliant actor. The brunet couldn't count how many times he had to control his facial expression to be as neutral as always while the twins were doing their "brotherly love" routine.

The routine wasn't real, though. At least, not all the way. Kaoru didn't really love his brother in the incestuous way they acted, but he probably thought, "When else is he going to pay this much attention to me?"

When was _anyone _going to pay that much attention to him?

It wasn't just jealousy that affected Kyouya when he heard--

(Always _heard _because his back was turned, he couldn't look.)

--those scenes.

It was really when Haruhi was involved did Kaoru's acting skills shine through.

That's right Kaoru. Narrow your eyes when Hikaru puts his arm around Haruhi's shoulder and look after your brother when he and Haruhi walk away.  
Make everyone think it's your brother you're in love with.  
But Kyouya knew the truth.

Kyouya knew a lot of things.

For one, he knew that Kaoru longed to be told apart from his brother as much as he feared it.  
Kyouya understood that Kaoru needed to know that he was an individual and there was a "Hitachiin Kaoru" and "Hitachiin Hikaru" and well as "us," but he had known "us" as opposed to "them" for so long, he clung onto like a security blanket. It was as well established as the shadows that darted across his face whenever Haruhi smiled at Tamaki.

Because not only was Haruhi hurting him, she was hurting his brother, which was so much worse than hurting him.

In Kyouya's opinion, he thought Haruhi choosing Tamaki (though neither of them realized it) was much better than her choosing one of the twins because he didn't think the twins realized that Haruhi was not something they could _share_. Both of them would live with the regret if she chose one of them over the other.

Sometimes, Kyouya had to reassure himself that this was the _only _reason he was glad Haruhi chose Tamaki.

But other times, Kyouya accepted it. Jealousy had corrupted his soul (If it was even _possible _to corrupt anymore) and spread throughout his bones, so why deny it?  
You'd never realize it, but jealousy was far from a foreign feeling to Kyouya.

Jealousy towards his brothers for being born first.  
(The fact that his major flaw in his father's eyes was the he had been born last, was bullshit.)

Jealousy towards his sister because she was female, which meant that she had no hope of becoming the heir and would never have to worry about it.

And jealousy towards the twins for having each other.

He had never told either twin this, but he could tell them apart. He could tell them apart even when they changed their hair and imitated each other, because _they did it quite often. _  
Hikaru tried to imitate his younger brother's sweet voice and Kaoru tried to imitate his older brother's carefree attitude, but Hikaru always missed the slight slump to Kaoru's shoulders and Kaoru always missed the wild gleam Hikaru had in his eyes.  
Kyouya supposed that after being around a person for so long, you don't notice some things.

Kyouya hadn't told either twin this, because he respected them and _he knew _the moment that he had met the twins that if he let it be known that he could tell them apart, their world would have been destroyed.  
Haruhi didn't realize that and had casually destroyed something that was sacred to them, without even realizing it.

Someone could tell them apart, they had to let some else into their world. That someone was also kind of cute and fun to mess with.  
It was no wonder they both fell in love with her.

Yes, jealousy was not a foreign feeling to Kyouya.

Kyouya observed that watching the brotherly love routine was unbearable. He wanted to be the one run his fingers through Kaoru's auburn hair. He wanted to run his fingers along side that soft-looking pale skin, just like Hikaru was doing.

He wanted to do more than was Hikaru was doing. He wanted to taint the little innocence the boy had left. He wanted to wrap the boy's pale thighs around his hips. He wanted that cute little mouth that whispered sweet-nothings to Hikaru, to be open and moaning obscenities. Kyouya wanted Kaoru to be writhing underneath him as he called out his name.

He couldn't watch the brotherly love act because sometimes he got too wound up in his own fantasies.  
Because not all of his love for Kaoru was pure.

Love. He didn't like that term for what he felt for the younger male.  
Infatuation, adoration, admiration, perhaps. Love sounded too pure. Love sounded too beautiful. And Kyouya knew that he was not beautiful in any way, shape or form.

That's not to say that he didn't find himself attractive (Not that he was narcissistic or anything, like a certain other blonde), because if he didn't have looks he wouldn't have been a host and would have simply settled for managing the club's finances.

But he was far too corrupted to be beautiful. His quest for perfection--

(Because he _had _to be perfect in his father's eyes.)

--left his skin marred with invisible scars that he would carry for the rest of his life. That's why Kyouya believed Kaoru was able to smile so brightly every day, if it wasn't an act. He may not have been completely innocent, but it was _still there. _Kaoru didn't bear the scars Kyouya did. Not yet, anyway.

There were times when Kyouya wondered what the state the host club's members would be in ten years.  
Would Tamaki still be with Haruhi? Would the twins have gotten over it and invited more people into their lives?

Would Kyouya's heart still ache every time he looked at Kaoru? Would he still feel as though the gold Kaoru's eyes were real? Would he still hate Hikaru for being so oblivious to anyone other than himself?

It was hard to say. What would happen to them was one of the things few Kyouya couldn't predict. Perhaps everything would end up like a fairytale and everyone would be happy.  
And even though Kyouya didn't believe in fairytales, he kind of hoped it would. Kyouya did have a heart buried underneath the layers of ice and he wanted his friends to be happy.

He wanted _Kaoru _to be happy.

Kyouya knew that he would never confront Kaoru with these feelings. He couldn't because he didn't think the host club could bear anymore changes to the carriage and he didn't want to be the one to fully taint Kaoru.

Or perhaps he was just a coward making excuses for himself.

Either way, Kyouya would always be there, looking over Kaoru and the host club because he didn't just observe in the shadows, he protected as well.

Because perhaps . . . in the shadows was where he truly belonged.

Owari.

--o0o--

Authoress Note: So there you have it. I haven't written something like this since . . . well, "Stormy Grey Eyes" (Which if you're a tabloidshipping fan, you should read.) It's a bit angsty, but I like angst. Please review.


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